My dual recovery story.

My dual recovery story.

I consider August,2002 to be a significant time in my dual recovery. I had stopped using my mood-stabilizing medication for bipolar disorder. I told my psychiatrist that I was going to do this and he said that I could contact him if I needed to. Within a few weeks, I experienced symptoms of psychosis. I quickly set up another appointment to go back on the meds, About a month before this happened I had almost died following a manic episode in which I became psychotic.

After I voluntarily entered residential treatment for chemical dependency, I completed 9 months of residential treatment, followed by a 2 month halfway house stay. In 1974, the requirements to become a chemical dependency counselor were relatively low and my treatment center was able to hire me as one with a commitment to provide on the job training and to send me to workshops and seminars, I worked there for 18 months before manic behavior led to getting fired. Then a co-worker convinced me that the two of us should travel across the country to Boise, Idaho to start our own treatment there, We gave up after a year and I got a job as a chemical dependency counselor at Moose Lake State Hospital in Minnesota in December,1978, At Moose Lake I openly admitted that I had even treated for neonatal illness, i was working in a unit that treated clients referred by probation and courts and also with committed clients. AAfter some degree of success with a few clients with mental illness, i began getting regular referrals from the psychiatric wards at the hospital, I had a 5 year period of "normal" with my own bipolar disorder, but then went into rapids cycling, including psychosis and ending with extreme depression. I took a6 month leave of absence, but was not to return. Having separated from my wife, I joined a divorce support group and began driving taxicab, up to 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. 12 years later I completed my master's degree in community counseling,

By 1999 I had lost 3 significant relationships and 4 good jobs related to episodes do mania and hypomania, In 1999 I had been married to my second(current) wife for 4 years and she had to take me to a hospital for manic behavior, I finally was correctly diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on mood-stabilizing medication. I had gotten into a bad habit of taking myself off my meds and had done so again prior to my last psychotic episode in July, 2002, Here is that story,

My last episode of full-blown mania ended after a beautiful,sunny summer day, I had slept only a few hours a night during the 3 previous days. I hadn't slept much, but didn't really feel tired, I had planned to spend that day with my two daughters,their male partners and 5 of my grandchildren at Valleyfair, a Twin Cities amusement park. I felt "funny" that morning. I knew that my mind was a little off kilter,but I thought that I would be o.k. because I would be with my children and grandchildren. I had planned to ride wt. my older daughter and her family. As my van was larger than their vehicle, I had volunteered to drive. Because I was afraid about feeling funny, I left my house early and showed up at their place about an hour early. It took my daughter's family that hour plus another hour to get ready. This scene had been replayed several times before, as this family was always "running late". I jut sat down on a comfy chair and watched the family scurry around getting ready, thinking about how lucky I was to have them. Since I was not saying much, my unrealistic thinking did not get through to the family. i was able to monitor my behavior with them so it did not seem too unusual.

We met my younger daughter and her three kids and her boyfriend at the picnic grounds. The company that my younger daughter worked for was sponsoring the Vallleyfair trip and she washable to get reduced piece admissions and picnic tickets for all of us, my daughters are great friends and they chatted energetically through the meal. After the meal we headed for the rides.

I spent they in a confused state, partly in reality and partly in a fantasy world. i did not go on any of the rides and told my daughters that i was content to be with them and their kids. Part of my mind was reliving a day at Valleyfair over 20 years ago, when mr kids were young and out family spent the day with my ex-wife's parents. That had been a very happy day for me and it was pleasant to relive it with my kids as adults with kids of their own. Another part of my mind was creating an elaborate fantasy, Ny daughters' male partners were heroes in this fantasy, and I believed that the things they wetter doing and saying had a special significance that mattered to the well-being of my family and of the entire world. I also believed that I had to walk in patterns around them to ensure our safety. I took care to do this in a way that did not seen too obvious to anyone.

ny daughters accepted my decision not to go on many of the rides and assigned me a lot of "kid duty that day, so they could go on rides. I watched my grandchildren as they enjoyed various rides. My fantasy was all about keeping them safe and therefore I was able to do that well. My daughters tried to keep us all sun-blocked and hydrated but I'm sure that my altered state made it difficult for them to do that well for me.

I watched a show with a funny character from Valleyfair, It may have been person dread up in a custom, but it was real for me. i fantasized that I was this character, and that everyone knew me and loved me.When a person with bipolar disorder is in a manic episode everything "sparkles" and takes on a magical quality. That's the way it was for me, But I kept these delusions to myself. At the end of the day I drove my older daughter and her family home.

When I left their house,my brain was still revved up and unwilling to end the fantasy. I was low on gas and stopped on the way home. Unfortunately, my delusions got the best of me. Instead of getting gas I spent an hour or two tracing an elaborate trail on the grounds of the gas station. The trail was meant to prevent ant evil forces from following me or from finding and harming my daughter's family. It's amazing that the workers at the gas station didn't notice how weird i was acting and that they didn't call the cops.

i finally drove myself home without getting gas. My wife was sleeping. I continued my fantasy. I entered our back yard through the side gate. There were a lot of trees, vines and other foliage growing there and it was easy to imagine that I had passed through a secret entrance to a special place. Now I started thinking that my family had migrated to another planet and I was the benevolent leader of the planet. I could see stars and the moon shining through the canopy of our trees, I turned on the hose and began squirting water at the stars, believing that they were cameras and that by squirting them I could put them out and prevent an evil dictator on another planet from finding us. When I tried to turn the water off, the valve broke and the water kept running.

At this point my wife had woken up, noticed ny van parked in our driveway with the lights on and began calling me to come in the house. I continued to act strangely and she realized that she needed to bring me to the hospital. She had bright me there from my work 3 years before during my last manic episode, She talked me into getting in the car and drove me to the emergency room. My fantasy now included the doctors and nurses. I believed that the doctor was the evil dictator and fought against what he was trying to do to me. I was brought to intensive care because my body had worn down during the last 3 days of little sleep and frenetic activity. They couldn't get mt. blood pressure down. I was given sleep meds and anti-psychotic meds by IV. I slept most of the time for 3 days. I was on a 24 hour watch and imagined hat the tech wetching me was one of my grandsons, as I believed that I was lying there for decades and was dying. Finally, by getting sleep and taking psych meeds, i began to think more realistically. i almost DID die from that manic episode, due to extreme dehydration and high blood pressure.

My wife told me later that she didn't realize that the water valve was broken until she returned from the hospital. My wife and 2 daughters took turns visiting me until I was stabilized medically. When I was released from the hospital, I was given an ongoing prescription for Trileptal, a mood-stabilizing medication, originally an anti-convulsant, which has been shown to be effective in treating bipolar disorder. Despite almost dying, i did go off the med once more, as shared previously, but this event became my "bottom" in accepting and treating mt. bipolar disorder.